Dear santa, i am writing this letter to you because i have a special request. i should still be considered a kid right? well am i good enough this year so that you'll grant me what i need. this letter is written because i had endured the nonsense of this world which shouldn't be round but instead square and rigid. the pain i felt, the entire year, i doubt, it could be healed. i took them in everything, the jeers the choices i was forced to make, suffering wrong choices made by m.o.m and all the nonsense she spews. i took everything in quietly suffering in silence, letting her do whatever she wants, say whatever she wants to say. the words she spews, are just like a harpoon, piercing into this already broken heart. whats worse, my human rights were distorted by her, i could be free yes, but i'm just stuck in this dump where i have nothing else to cling onto except myself. i was forced, into doing what i didn't want to and never will. until it got into a state where i did it but hated what i did especially to the person whom she married and i never agreed. well dear santa it's not that easy you know. i numbed myself, with the only source that seemed real to me. the music that flooded in through my ears and than into my brains felt good. its like what the singer sang were real and it was like he's been there and witnessed it all. well, she had to interrupt to only source that i could live for. whatever i did, were never good enough for her. well santa this letter is a request for one particular thing that can make me feel alive again. its not a toy i hope you can fulfill this letterrequesting for one particular thing- that my real dad comes back and we can spend a day together or maybe just be together forever.dear santa, do you think you could do this for me. you know, i wish that someday, someone would tell me that my dad was a spy, and he didn't die but went into hiding from the people he was dealing with. wont that just be splendid. my life wouldn't be in a total mess and in the state that it is in now. the promises he made, he fulfilled some and some he left even before he could fulfill them. don't you think that's sad santa. i'm just a kid, that misses his father dearly. can't i just have him for one more day. we could just the two of us, spend the entire day together. not wasting a moment of it. not even a single second. i would take him to where i normally hang out. i would tell him secrets, that has been kept in solitude for as long as i remember and i would love him even more. like that, i know that i would not have taken him for granted and it would be one of the greatest day of my life. how i long, for his presence to be felt again. that day i would be waiting for would be when someone tells me that my dad isn't dead. and i could go see him and we would stay together. we can go where he love and i wouldn't mind. every child longs for affection and love from his/her parents. than why cant i have mine until when i grow up. why does it have to be cut off half way and i would be left with m.o.m who loves him more than me. i still think that i'm adopted santa. i'm the only left hander in the family and that i dont feel the parental love that i;m suppose to feel from m.o.m. santa one day would be enough and if dad could take me with him wherever he is, i'll join him because now i know that he loved me alot. yet he didn't know how to show it. that's the bad part. i finally know. he loved me too much. he just didn't know how to express it. brother may have forgotten about dad but that's because he's small and i wont be surprise if he grew up to recognise him as his father. this family is still broken until one day my real dad returns. mum may have forgotten about him too i don't know. yet i still want you to be beside me. do you think that if i went to the highest mountain and screamed to the angels to return dad to me, would that make you return??do you think if my tear drops filled with longiness for dad, dropped onto you photo, would you come back?do you think if i thought of no one else but dad, would you come back?do you think that if i write your name and buried it into the earth you will return?do you think if i gave up one of the things that i treasured, you would return by my side??because i would do all that as long as it makes you return. this letter comes together with the letter adressed to you santa, could you possibly send it to dad?dear dad, where ever you are, even if you've forgotten about me, i just want to tell you. i would never forget how great a dad you have been. even if it take all my stupidity to realise it now. you were the greatest dad a person like me could have. and i would ask for no other things but for you to be happy and if you could, come visit me some time. will god let you come down and see me?? if he doesn't than dont trouble yourself. just remember to be happy. dad, will you visit me in my dreams if you can't come and visit me in reality?? just flood into my mind and let me feel you again. let me remember how you looked like, every single detail. the worst thing i dread would be that i forgot how you look like. dad, i want to tell you, in every ways, no matter how naughty i have been in front of you or how rude i was, i want you to know that i love you. it just didn't show. i remember the day you passed away, i was p5 and the test a few days later, the science paper i took, i scored the highest in class and i went like, i wish you were here to see it. you've missed a lot of major events in my life, will you come back down just to see it?? oh yea dad, will you go to the past me whereever he is and changed him so that he will know how to face reality when it strikes him. dad do you still think about me where ever you are? cause i still think about you alot and i would never forget you. and if at any point i forget how you look like, would you come back into my dreams the way you were. i wouldn't even mind if you were just lying on the bed and reading your book because that's who you are and i would read with you if you came back. will i be able to see you again?? i really want to be with you. rememeber the days when i would bring back a toy that requires fixing, you would fix it for me and even though i would take out all the pieces, and you would scold me. well i wish that you would be here to scold me again for that same reason. or any particular reasons for that matter. will you take me again, if you came back to where you worked because that would be where you spent most of your time. we could go fishing, your favourite sport and when i learnt it, i would fish with you everyday. do you think if i took down the star just for you, you would come back with me forever? dear dad, if they said that the soul lives forever, can i ask you to just appear in front of me so that i can see you again and that i would have the courage to talk to you again and not be scared. i wished you were the person who could see me off on my m.a.d trip to shanghai. i wish you could be the person to tell me that whatever i did, would be enough for you. i wish that you could be sitting beside me now and watch me type this letter with tears rolling down. would you comeback if i went to a wishing well to wish you back? because i would. dad would you come back once more and i know you like to play computer games. i would bring you to the lan where i always go to and screw the people who stare at us because they dont know what its like to miss someone so badly. to loose someone important to them. i would teach you all the games that i love and that you could play with me everyday. i realised that i can not find anything that you bought for me. i lost the pikachu watch you bought for me. will you forgive me. and maybe just let me find something that i can show to the world that you exist. dear that if a cow could jump over the moon, can i just jump up to heaven just to find you. or maybe if you came down, and took me to your workplace and see how your life is when you work. its a regret that i didn't know you smoked when you were alive. i only knew on the day of your funeral. i remember during the funeral, i ran away because i felt that life had just stopped there. life was meaningless without you. its like losing a part of your heart that you hang on to so you can live. dad i remembered i went back because i knew it was silly to get myself lost. i remeber that after that i went down to the ma ma shop and the previous owner of the shop in which we knew so well let me take over the cashier counter for a while. i felt that i didn't need you to be leaving me. it was there the uncle told me that you smoked. i regretted not knowing that. why did you not tell me?? if you were stress at work, tell me. there's a lot that i want to ask you and i know there are secrets in which you kept so close that nobody know. will you telll me your secrets? oh how i long for that. i wouldnt even mind you teaching me how to swim because i just want to see you again. would you remember me if you lost your memory?? will this letter get to you?? cause i hope it would. i want you to know that the time you spent the forty years you spent on earth was not wasted because i would remember you. how great you were not matter how much you didn't know how to show it. blame it on my stupidity to realise it now. do you think if i went back to our old house, went to the room where you layed on the bed just to read your book and lie there, would you just maybe come back, maybe materialize in front of me?cause i would, if it means that wou would come back. your son who is broken and misses you dearly - dear santa will you bring my dad home?-
i hate this feeling like i'm here, but i'm not.like someone cares.but they don't.like i belong somewhere else.anywhere but hereand escape lies just pasttha snowy window,cool and crisp as the februaryair.i consider the streets beyond, bleak as the bleached bones of wildernessscaffolding my heart.just a stone's throw awaytaken from impulse written by ellen hopkins(is this a clue, to why humanity lies in defeat??) <- i wrote this =P
i havent blogged for like ages so im blogging now ^^ i got back from the m.a.d at last and it was quite fun cant blog much so the end ! -returned with more insights-
