-if only... if only...-the walls are closing in, the room is getting colder and all he could think of, is that girl who is away. she isn't around, it feels as though she left him. and he realises that he would break down, if she left him. he realise that she's the only one, who realises he exist, that he isn't just a subistutute friend. she was the only one that made him feel wanted. He cannot imagine, what would happen, if she left him, and fade away into the darkness.
just one day, he could not face it, not being without her. only one day. he knows that he still loves her, but what he doesnt know. what he wish to hear, is that to know, to hear it, from her lips, from her heart, that she still loves him. and that she ended it, because of a doubt. but somewhere deep down, he wants to know that she still loves him.
he is still clinging on, to what but naught is just a mere flame, that would take ages to be rekindled. but his heart does not waver, his hopes still clung, onto the possibilty that is 1/infinity that they will get back. he still loves her, and she knows it. he would do anything for her, she knows it, but she thinks that she isn't good enough for him.
this inferiority complex is what she implanted into her mind. she thinks she isn't dazzling, but on the inside, she's more than dazzling. who said anything about choosing because of looks. he still loves you, yet she wouldnt give him a second chance. she wouldnt let him heal her broken heart. she wouldnt let him listen to her sorrows, but day-day, he tell her his. if only she would know, that he really means it, that he would not give up. even if it means being her best friend......if making her happy means keeping his distance, he would do it, if making her happy, means dissapearing, he would do it, though he knows how painful it is. he knows that she would never want it, she doesnt want her heart to be shattered again, due to insecurities. if only he knew how she felt, if only he knew whats going on in her mind. his time belonged to her, but she's returning it all back to him. he was looking for a rainbow, but there isn't one, not even with the rain and the sun battering down onto his back, the shadow trailing off, finding another owner to possess, for he has lost all life that once was in him. no matter how strong he may look on the outside, how weak his body is, the weakest part is still his heart. his eyes are bluring as he types this, he thinks he's loosing his vision but he knows better. if only things could go back to the way it used to be
all he wanted was on last good night,
one last hug,
a last kiss,
but
they never
came
.
.
-he loved her enough to let her go...-
if drowning yourself in sorrows and workload doesnt help, what can?everyday i think about you, with tears falling down, carrying the sorrow and the memories the great ones i had with you. i feel so empty. maybe i am going crazy or i have suddenly lost my soul. i put on a fake smile, and when i come home the world shatter. is everybody going crazy or is it just me. i didn't think i had miss you so much. and the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star is you. i may not have a picture of you but that means i would never forget your face, how you look. and that i wouldn't need a reminder on what you really look like. that smile of yours, and the laughter that brought a true smile unto my face. it hurts to think i won't be able to hear your voice again, even for that short span of time. there would be no time i'd rather waste on other than you. you always told me not to waste my time, but talking to you felt like the world had froze, until someone interrupts. if i could escape to a world where there were nobody else except you, i would. maybe thats why i've been mourning everyday, for the lost of my great friends, my best friend i ever had but never acknowledge till he left, and you. some how only songs of acoustic version gets to me now. it never happened. i thought that if drowning my sorrows with workload, stress myself out, or even music. it doesnt work. i dont really enjoy those music i used to listen to. i took a fancy to red. and i snuggled the black jacket i have. to find any traces of you. you brough life into me, i took a fancy towared red just for you, i even have a winnie the pooh notebook, and i read the post that i have printed out from your blog every single day. hoping, wishing that some day you would love me as much as before like what you wrote.that's why i said i wasn't mad at you and never will be. even if you broke my heart, cause my heart never belonged to me in the first place, it belonged to you. this heart used to be unbreakable after the incident 5 years ago. you broke it. i thought that i had you within my grasp, but its the other way, it was i who was in your grasp, and that i could loose this feeling with just a flick of your finger. i don't care, cause i will never be mad at you and even if you ignored me forever, i would still love you. its hard to see what im typing, the words are bluring and the music doesn't help. i feel like screaming to the world that i am empty, i feel like shouting to you from afar that i still love you and that you would be able to hear it. if it were possible, i would drown myself in the sea, so that i can forget. But will that ever happen?i had a dream, i was in a hospital, and in a coma. and there was my body lying every so still. And the only thing that make me woke up was because you appeared. maybe the fairytale in modern times have changed. or im just a dumped a useless little fluke that could not make you feel happy, or even comfortable when you were with me. i still take the same bus to school, but whenever im on 53 i look around the bus, hoping that i would be able to get a glimpse of you. that would have made my day. even though we are no longer, i still draw your name everywhere in my textbooks. the ones i used for revision, my notes . i didn't know i could miss you so much. if there were one chance for me to change the past, i would make sure i never met you. For i know its hurting you too as much as its hurting me. for i'm the cookie jar trying with all my heart not to let you go
i can't forget you
r.m.w.l
and you asked why and all i had to answer was i dont know. its strange and yet every where i go, reminds me of the presence in which you leave me with. the translike state in which i could never grasp. no matter how many times you break this tattered heart of mine, no matter how many times you want me to live without you, i just cant simply do it. it hurts not hearing your voice for even and hour everyday. your laughter that made me smile. even if we did not get to see each other often, i still loved you deeply. its amazing how far we went but it shouldnt have ended. it was just 15 days ago, you brought misery to yourself. i still cant bear to leave you. even if fate says the same thing. the thought that you have, it will never happen. for i am now a man without a heart. my heart still hasn't return, it still belongs to you and its fluttering right outside your door wishing and hoping everyday that that door will open so that it can enter to its threshold once again. i've made mistakes, countless times, but the worst mistake i ever met was to return to the shadows where i once resided in. i went back to the time where there was no one in the world who cared. and i felt ever so lonely. but still i could not forget you. maybe im just selfish but i still want you to be mine and no one's else. nothing has changed and i aint mad at you. the only thing that im mad at is that you had to go and hurt yourself, so deeply. and this might seem melodramatic and that maybe this is just all a dream but when i hear you laughing, my heart just leaps. when the rain pours and you have a long bus ride and thoughts of doubts and sadness comes into your mind, it breaks me down that you had to hurt yourself. i made a promise to you, that i will never fade away, i made that promise sincerely. cause no matter what happens, i still want to be with you. you gave me a life that i could never really comprehend. i wish everynight that you would still be mine and i lied. i did not ask santa for one only thing during christmas eve i asked that you would love me back. thats all i asked for.i cant bear to loose another loved one. i've lost too many. though the laughing and joking exterior i show. theres a sad little kid inside. i thank you for finally not protecting the posts of me and you. i thank you for all the times i spent with you and i still want to be with you.will you still be mine and then things could revert back the way it was
or rather can i still be yours
i <3>
