well today was O levels mother tongue oral but lets not talk about that shall we.i was waiting for the bus after my orals and farahin came along. so as usual we chat about orals then we started talkin about each other familyturns out farahin is extremely strong. well i'm certain a lot of you know about her losing her mother. and whats wrong with that? i lost my father too i sort of asked her about what if she got a stepmom. and she was like i'm not calling her mom. that sounded extremely familiar to me it sounded a lot like me. i'm not going to call him dad i told myself countless of times and in the end it didn't work out was forced to call him well the word i'm using is obviously gibberish it just sounds the same well she's strong i'm jealous! farahin i'm jealous !its been 5 long years, 270 weeks, 1825 days + due to feb 28. and i still miss him its like losing half of yourself and when you loose the other half you loose yourself the wedding, i didn't want it to happen but i knew that my mom needed him and who am i to say no when everyone else said yes my opinion is not important thus this happened, i still prefer taking the buses, i still prefer cycling, i still prefer computer games and i swore that i ain't going to wear anything he gives me. and thats how its going to be well farahin was actually almost tearing on the bus its best to not say so much ***************************************
Address this letter to dear father, its been a while, since i lost wrote again. i'm fine my O levels are coming, i wish you were here. I still go back to where we used to stay occasionally so as to relieve the days we spent together. Mum is fine, she has a new husband. He's taking care of her well. I'm not sure whether mum still thinks of you, because its been pretty long. brother obviously forgot about you already. He was still too young. So much has changed and so much hasn't. it seems to me that everything i do can be related to you. It's been a while, i hope you haven't harbour the thought that i would have forgotten about you. cause after so long, i realised you actually cared and the times you brought me to wait for the bus. you need not had to wake up so early, but you did. you were sick, and i was ignorant, naive and childish. Its seems like ages since i last saw you holding any chinese book, lying on the bed, lost in your own world. i wonder what you saw in your world. Is where you are like elsewhere? where they have viewing decks so that you can view down on to earth and see what the family is doing?? because i really hopes there is. and the guardsmen at the river won't stop you from making contact. have you met your dad dad? because he passed away when you were young. i hope you've been reunited. Have you visited grans? she's fine, her house is undergoing development. I dont want to loose her either. even though i know sometime she will go. because i know grans really care even though she doesn't show it. It must have been heartbreaking for her to see you go. the youngest but the first. Now i still think it's my fault, that you left. If only i had bought the right drink for you. why is it you didn't tell me your problems dad? you kept them all to yourself, away from your family, away from us. if only we knew, if only i knew the problems you were facing. you smoked but you never told me. The uncle who used to work at the minimart, he told me you did it because of stress. why did you not tell us? and until today i realise i will never be able to fish with you again, i will never be able to swim with you again and i wont be able to read my book with you. if only i knew earlier, if only i wasn't so childish, and took you for granted. i hope your listening to my thoughts, because i really miss you. it like one moment you were there and the next you weren't no more, forever. We only spent 11 years together, its too short. I hope you aren't lonely up there, because knowing you, you will stick to your books. I need you here with me, but i know you can't. why arent you a secret agent, or a spy and is now in hiding? this blog was only started because i needed someone to talk to. i needed someone to listen, but till now, i dont know whether you're listening. i hope you are. I know look outside the windows, and i find nothing familiar. our old house has been repainted dad. but i went back to our unit, the grills are the same, the floor tiles are the same. and the door paint is still the same. and so is my room which i regret ever rushing you to paint the room. i only thought of myself. I would never hear you again, i dont want to forget your voice, your stubble or your glare. i can't bare my memories to be taken away. its too important. i miss you dad, please dad take good care of grans, let her live to an old age. because i cant bare to loose grans too. mum too. the thought has come to me, what if my whole family just dissapeared, i would be so alone in this world. like a ever expanding hole in my heart, the empitness will grow. maybe i took F&n because of you dad. i'm not making the same mistakes you did. i dont know where you are now, i dont know what have you been doing. I stopped dreaming of you, will you come back to my dreams, so that i can see you again? so that i can hear you again? because i dont want to forget. i remember i cried when you told me you loved me most and that you knew you were going to die in a matter of time. i was only primary 4 than. i didn't expect you to go so soon. but i knew you tried your best fighting the disease, you tried your best to stay alive because of me. and no matter how this heart may be occupied, know that there will always be a space for you. Now all i can cling onto are merely memories. its been 5 years dad, will you go back to the viewing deck? i just want to see you one more time, but i know i can't. No matter what i do. i may have friend dad, but you're still my best friend and my dad together. will i get to see you again? because i cant bear to not remember what you look like. the photos will be gone someday i'm certain. i cant see anything in this house now that remind me of you. not a single thing. i cant bear to see grans go too. please dont let her leave us so early. I love both of you so much. maybe i got it from you dad, it seems i can't really show that i love you 'll and that i can only express them in words. i hope that the tears trickling down will tell you. i hope they send a mesage to you. dad if you were to visit one more time, will you remember mum that you were here once, remember brother that you were here once. and will you visit me? and tell me that you're fine, and you're happy where you are? and let me tell you how much i miss you, how much i need you. because i am still half empty and i know it wont be long till i am empty. i dont know what happens when a person die, i really hope that our memories are still intact. because these memories are the things that are too valuable to be lost. dad, grans, i know you'll have difficulty reading english
i just want to say that i love you'll
and that i know you'll
do to.
Labels: Another day thinking
