¢ A Penny for My Thoughts ¢

To explain why i'm in a pretty bad mood now

Taken from Impulse By ellen hopkins

Keep going

That's exactly what i tell
myself." Keep going, loser"
I'll never be anything else.
I step on a narrow rock shelf

and it crumbles, making
me scramble for a foothold.
I find one, push up, smash my
knee into a jut of granite.

Way to go faggot. The voice
I hear belongs to my father.
Get hold of yourself. You'll never
make first string like that. Fear

of failure impels me toward
the top, as it pushed me toward
the goal line so many times
before. I don't dare stop .

Don't dare drop the ball. Dont
dare finish second. We only
want what's best for you, so
spare me your whining. Why
can't you be like Cara? She
never loses. Cara is smarter.
Cuter. More talented. Iwill
forever ride in her backseat.

Well, they're fraternal twins, you
see. Now the voice is my mom's.
I want to shut her up bu I
know she wont be silenced.

I reach up for a handhold,
find I'm almost to the top.
And still the home movies
rewind... replay... rewind.

Of corse i'm proud of Conner.
It's just... he's not his sister.
With a bust of energy, I
thrust myself up and over.

Standing here

My entire world far beneath
my feet, i should be filled
with pride. Instead i feel
overwhelmed by a sense of defeat.

Suddenly it comes to me,
toes tempted to test the ledge,
there there is a way out of this.
Calm surety flow through

my veins and as i turn to wave
good-bye, I wonder, if it will
hurt or if a single person
will cry at my fneral.

I take a deep breath, a final
taste of sweet mountain air.
I conjure Leona, Emily.
Move my feet closer. Closer.

There's Grandma One, Grandma
Two and their spouses, waiting
for me. I see Dad. Cara. Mommy.
I screw up my courage, step over...

********************************

I feel like conner.
I see so much of conner's hurt in me
so much of his sadness in me.
so much of him in me

problems
relativly similar
happy endings
pretty bullshit

| Into My Thoughts @ 11:16 PM |