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Wednesday, October 1, 2008


She grew up
to fast

learning to bottle things inside
learning to not trust anyone
learning to keep her mouth shut
learning to be invisible
suffering in silence
hating
silenced
empty
lost
thinking

because whatever she did was never enough

whatever she wanted to say
was of no value or meaining

She could never stand for what she thought was right
She could not meet the expectations of the one who made her grew up so fast
She could not voice her thoughts

and whatever she did
the goods were brushed aside
the bads were magnified

and she could not do anything
not even mutter
a single swear word
in hearing range of her catalyst

and any blunder she made
was deemed as
laziness
stupid
and many more

never was it an error by accident
it was always her fault

she had enough
she wanted to scream,
but she couldn't

she was still under the rule of her catalyst

she wanted to escape
but she knew
her catalyst will find her

and never forgive her

her catalyst
the words from the catalysts mouth
pierced her heart
so deep
that she couldn't scream f*** me

The catalyst wanted a perfect child
her

but the catalyst knew she failed
and her perfect child was someone
imperfect

Sarah grew up hating
because of the way she was taught to grow up

keeping everything to herself
nothing to others
hating

her siblings were rewarded once or twice
but Sarah
never

she felt like a castaway
a alien
and she wanted to shout
at the catalyst face

but she knew she couldn't

she was silenced

and the catalyst would blame her
for not communicating

when in the first place she was silenced by her

The catalyst found fault in every single thing she did

and evey good thing Sarah did
was swept under the carpet

Sarah lived
from yesterday

everyday to her was a repeat of yesterday

the same old
crap

She needed to voice out her thoughts
but again she was silenced

she never had a say

and she knew it

take 2007 for example
the big event in her life

she objected
but the catalyst went ahead

she knew that there was no point objecting
and now
she suffer the mistakes the catalyst made

take 2005 for example
the event that she knew
the catalyst was running away from her past

she objected
but again
her voice was not heard

she was never respected
she was never treated as someone worth talking to
and she was seen as the child of yesterday

she would never voice her thoughts to the catalyst
because she knew
that the catalyst
was no longer worth trusting
and believing in

she starved herself
so that she can pay the catalyst back

she didn't want to have any relations with the catalyst
but part of her knew
that she needed the catalyst
and the catalyst needed her

she hated the things the catalyst did
but forgave the catalyst

she wondered why did she forgive?

because she guess it was not in her nature to hate for long

but the hatred was building she was sure

she never looked forward to going home anymore
home was just a place
for her to sleep

home was just a place
like a hotel
except it was not a classy
and of cause there was always the catalyst

home was just a place where her troubles never flew away

what is home?
she never really knew
home was just to her, another
mistake

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